Friday, October 3, 2008

The Puker, The Booger Picker, and My Own Brat

I am sucker for volunteering. I can never say no. The apple orchard trip came up and I said yes to be a chaperon for my son's Kindergarten class. Who doesn't love a good old fashioned field trip? I was excited to be outside on a beautiful fall day, take in the sights and smells with the the kiddos, and have some awesome photo opportunities. Plus my friends also signed up so I thought this would be a blast!!! Wrong.

The first thing I had to so was check into my son's classroom. That is where I was informed that was to be in charge of 3 boys one of them being my own child. I thought to myself how hard can that be? I am a mother of boys, I know how they tick.

I lost control even before we left. It was my responsibility to walk them to the little boys' room to get all the pottying done before we boarded the bus. The took off like a shot. I yelled, "there is no running in the hall". They just kept truckin' down the hall and ignored me. I got the hairy eyeball from the teacher as these 3 wild boys came back from the bathroom.

After that fiasco, we boarded the bus. This is when these boys burst into the song "Don't Cha" by the Pussy Cat Dolls. The teacher automatically looked at me in disgust. I pleaded that I didn't teach them that song. (My kids are more metal heads anyway).

The bus reeked like little boy morning breath. If that wasn't bad enough, I sat next to Booger Picker all the way there. I just about threw up. I kept offering him a Kleenex and telling him that his finger was going to get stuck. No luck he was not afraid, he just kept digging and digging. I even told him that the girls were going to laugh at him. Nothing phased him. I just sat there and tried not to gag.

While we were at the orchard, the boys were wild. I had to keep calling their names and chase after them. At lunch, it was one potty joke after another (have to admit that I laughed at a few). They had their apples they picked in bags and they were using them as nun chucks. My girlfriends were having similar issues with their kids they were in charge of and we would look at each other sympathetically and pray for a 2 for 1 happy hour that evening.

As we were finishing our lunch, one of the boys looked up at me with the saddest eyes and the greenest face I have ever seen and said "My tummy hurts". I gave him a little hug and offered him a few saltine crackers to calm the queasiness. I told me he could not have them. Glutton allergy. Right. I grabbed the teacher and said "I think we have puker". She handed me a plastic bag and said "good luck and you probably want to sit close to the front of the bus". Bitch.

I called my own child a brat because he told everyone that I am crabby all the time. Someone did not hear him right and thought he said "my mom is pregnant all the time". After that comment people were coming up to me saying "congratulations, when are you due?" Hmmmm, I am still pondering that punishment.

We made it home without an incident...THANK GOD. I left right after I got off the bus. That was a bad thing to do, because evidently I was supposed to stay. Oops.

What did I learn:
Say no to volunteering
All boys are just as crazy as mine
Potty jokes never get old
Apples make a great weapon
I can guarantee a wicked cold after doing shit like this

With all the uncovered coughing and sneezing. I caught a wicked cold. I feel miserable and I am not doing my 4 mile power walk today, I am happy to report that I am still a loser. I lost .4 at my meeting this past week. I am not complaining about any sort of loss.


MCM Mama said...

As the mom of two boys, I have to say that boys are some of the most disgusting creatures on earth LOL. And field trips, especially of the kindergarten variety, are their own special kind of hell.

Glad you survived and lost some weight to boot.

TinaGirl said...

OMG this was me last week at our field trip to the park with 4 first grade boys. I felt like an awful mom for yelling at these kids (who weren't even mine) because they refused to stay with me or on tast for our assignment! UGH! but guess what... I'm doing with the 3rd graders on Tuesday. I'm a gluton for punishment.

AKA Alice said...

You are such a good mom. Not me...not only do I NEVER volunteer to go on field trips (that's not entirely true, I did once...pretty much had the same experience as you) a teacher, I NEVER took my classes on field trips either...I'm just a big chicken that way (of course, I taught high school, that was my excuse)...

Glad it ended without you getting puked on!

BeachRunner said...

ROFL. You crack me up and you are a better person than me. I would NEVER volunteer for anything like that (even before hearing your experience). I gave up babysitting about 25 years ago.

Al's CL Reviews said...

Yay on the loss.

The field trip sounds like hell on earth! LOL!

Marcy said...

OH MY GAWD Carly! You are a Saint! I would've DIED! How come you didn't bring the camera? HAHAHHAAA

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

Hahahahahha. Brings me back to the days when the kids were little. When they were young, the girls were easier to keep tabs on. Now that they're older, I actually think the boys are easier. shrug.

Tammy said...

Yeah, I could have told you to Just Say No to that.

Girls were easier at that age (for me anyway).
And, it gets worse. I was forced to go on a 6th grade field trip with my son 2 years ago. I cringe just thinking about it...

Hope you have a quick recovery from the cold!

D10 said...

This is one of the best stories!! I think I would have thrown up if I sat next to a nose picker...the thought turns my stomach.

Shosh said...

Your stories always make me crack up. Next time go back to this post and say NO WAY unless it's girls and it's a shopping outing.

Sorry that you're sick but so proud that you're a loser!! Keep it up. :-)

m said...

Not just my boy...awesome! Go Vikings! Say it cmon! :)

chia said...

wow. i think my ovaries just jumped ship.

Jess said...

"Say no to volunterring" -- I'll take that to heart!

RooBabs said...

That totally sucks about the "pregnant" comment. Crabby/pregnant- they totally sound the same (not).

That trip sounds horrendous. I volunteered every day for a whole year in a kindergarten class, but it was pretty tame compared to that. The only field trip we ever went on was to get leaves from the park nearby, and it was uneventful. You poor, poor woman.

Sorry that you're all sicky now. = (

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