Sunday, November 13, 2011

Riding the Pole

Last night I did something that I promised my parents I would never do.....I rode the pole. Yes, and I do mean a stripper pole.

How did I get into this situation?  I attended my friend's super fabulous birthday party and she had a mystery destination for us.  We met at her house and a big ol' van came haul 14 wild and half in the bag crazy broads us to a place called the Wolves Den Fitness.  As we pulled up, the van of squealing women saw the several stations of port-a-poles through the windows.  I should mention that these windows lacked any sort of privacy....what we were about to do was going to be available for the world to see.

If my thoughts were audible you would have heard holyshitholyshitsholyshitholyshitholyshit....All I could think about was the video of the chick bringing down the stripper pole on You Tube.  Ughhh....that is all I would need. FAT CHICK DOWN!

We met our instructor and it was clear she had a lot of experience in the business if you catch my drift.  It didn't take long for all of us to find our inner strippers and have fun with the poles.  I think some of the women in our party have other jobs.....just sayin'.  One mother of 4 (who is 45 BTW) grabbed the pole and did an inverted slide.  WTF????  She is my HERO!

Me, my moves were more basic.  Climbing up on the platform was challenging enough.  I did manage to swing around the pole but the first time I did it there was an incident.  My legs got tangled at the bottom and twisted.  It took another person to untangle me.  I got a charlie horse and I lost a is dangerous.  But after that, I learned a dismount(involving a cat crawl).  I was trying to look sexy whilst practicing my pole dancing and I was told that I A) Looked like I was in pain, B) that I looked fierce, C) that I looked constipated.   *sigh*  I tried.  This is my hot move of the night:
I did name myself Fantasia Glitzthighs (I found my stripper name here)
Maybe someday, I will be able to do the inverted slide like our instructor (whom I call Tits Mcgee)....

PPR (Post Pole Reflections)
  • The art of the pole dance is really hard
  • pole dancing is great for the core
  • I am sore in places that I didn't know could be sore
  • I have never laughed so hard in my life
  • Suburban mothers can shock you 
  • My time on the pole may have been the best remedy for the funk that I have been in.
  • I will keep my day job.
Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!  Stay tuned tomorrow for a guest post by  Hot Sweaty Mamas.....and a giveaway too!


BitterHag Running said...

This is hilarious! What a great idea for a party!

BTW - My stripper name (using your link) is Sugar Heaventhong...... That's ok, but I think I'll stick with the old school naming system (first pet/street you grew up on): Fritzie Cherry. It's more me.

Diana said...

Anytime you throw a bunch of middle aged women into something that includes a pole-look out!!!

This was seriously funny as hell, I'm still crying over here....maybe next time I make it to St. Paul, you can show me this place-we'll just peak through the windows!!! LOL

Charbelle said...

OH MY WORD I have totally been thinking about buying the pole dancing class thru Groupon. I think it sounds like so much fun. I would have so been right there with you!!!

Anonymous said...

girl, this was a hilarious post! lol.... you crack me up!


Cindy said...

totally awsome! there's a pole/fitness class close to my house but the windows are all blacked out so i always wonder what happens in i know!! lol!

TNTcoach Ken said...

Where are video cameras when you need them? HA

ajh said...

Never thought to ask my daughter to promise to never dance on a strip pole!

Andrea said...

LOVE it! I have to do this with my girl friends :)

Kara said...

This is officially on my bucket list now. Although I felt like I was there. What fun. And I loved the names:-)

lindsay said...

we always make fun of the pole dance place here but it sounds like a BLAST! at least the one here covers the windows... haha

lindsay said...

oh and i'm "heidi heaven" isn't that porn-tastic

Rad Runner said...

This sounds freaking AMAZING

Stephanie Anne said...

LOVE it!!! I have been DYING to go to pole dancing class!! My roomate is taking me for my birthday gift & I can't wait!