Thursday, May 31, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey......Running Style

I woke up Sunday morning and pulled the sheets over my eyes trying to shut out the daylight creeping in the room through the slats of the blinds. Though he wasn't physically near me, I felt his presence and his disappointment that I was neglecting our contract. After all, I did sign my life away for a minimum of 18 weeks to be submissive to his demands. I bit my lip and said "Mr Higdon, give it to me". OH MY......an 18 miler, I flushed with fear and began to quake with excitement.

I jumped out of bed and quickly dressed in a short black running skirt and a pink tank the matched my flushed cheeks. I slowly slid on my black compression sleeves over my tight calves and wondered if they would be able to hold up during today's escapade.  My thoughts turned to Mr. Higdon.  How does an old man that I have never met have so much control over me? How did I let myself go down this marathon path again? I am aching for the climax of the event and only Mr Higdon can be my guide. I bit my lip as I tied my running shoes and slammed a 5 Hour Energy......... and I was going to need all the energy I could get.  My inner goddess was finally ready for what he had in store for me.  OH MY! 

I started slow and light on my feet.  I was shuffling on air and really getting in it for the first few miles.  Then it got steamy...really steamy.  I was dripping.   "I am hot" I murmured as I wiped the salty sweat off my brow.  My inner goddess was not going to let a little heat ruin the 18 mile punishment laid out by Mr Higdon.  I needed to quench my thirst and I breathlessly sauntered into a gas station and grabbed a Gatorade.  I drank  in all of the sweetness and continued on my way.  I was rejuvenated and ready for more. 

Then it got too hot for even my inner goddess.  I bit my lip and made the ultimate decision to walk for a little while.  It was starting to hurt.  The punishment was almost too much for me to bear.  The underparts of my arms started getting really hot from my shirt rubbing on them. The unrelenting friction of my shirt against my wet, wet skin brought me to tears.  Ooooohhhh ahhhhhh, I moaned as I ran through the pain.  "Dammit, I forgot the Bodyglide", I murmured to myself.
 The heat and the pain from my raw skin darkened my thoughts.  The negative energy was killing the mood.  Every time I would find my rhythm, it wouldn't be long before I would have to stop.  "Just a little more", I murmured, "Just a little more".  I cried as I forced my body to do things it has not done for a very long time.  I pushed a bit more and I finished.  My inner goddess was going crazy and I collapsed out of exhaustion.....OH MY....that was amazing!  Thank you Mr. Higdon for pushing me out of my comfort zone.
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This past weekend I wanted to see what the hype of Fifty Shades of Grey was all about.  I read it but kept rolling my eyes (which would have gotten me spanked in the book) and giggled my ass off through most of it (actually, I bit my lip**snort**).  For me, it has to be one of the worst books I have ever read.  It is right up there with the Terry Hitchcock book (just with more cock, hehe).

Thoughts?  Have you read this book?  If you loved it (and millions of people do), what I am missing?  I feel like I am one of the only ones in the world that is not raving about it.

18 comments:

Kelliann said...

I have not read it, but have heard similar things - that it's pretty bad. Your running take on it is hilarious!!! :-)

runninglawyer said...

Lol, I love the blog post, but I am totally on the same page as you with the book. It's such bad chick lit! I mean, she can't even say the proper name for her lady parts. Drives me nuts!

Leah said...

I haven't read (nor do I plan too) the book, but your take on it is hilarious :)

Taryn said...

I absolutely refuse to read it. Twilight Fan Fiction? No thank you!

Your blog post was hilarious though!! :)

Katie said...

I am cracking up! You're the Ana Steele of running! I have no idea why/how I enjoyed the book, especially as a journalism/editing major but I'll admit I couldn't put it down.

Runnergirl said...

OH MY... You are a funny one! Thanks for the laugh! I have not read the book, but have heard a lot about it. I like your take on it! :)

Aka Alice said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha. Best. Run-soft-porn-post EVAH!

That is a LOT of lip biting!

Carly, you kill me

Megsie said...

Oh, my gosh! This was hilarious! I have not read the book(s), but I am curious, and feel like I need to read them in order to be up on pop-culture. I have heard that they are horribly written, but also addicting? Or is it just porn? Who knows.

jmac713 said...

I did read the first book and didn't love it. I've read better of its genre. Your post, however, was hilarious. And I hate when I forget the bodyglide! bra rub hurts.

ajh said...

Hysterical post. Have not read it but certainly everyone else seems to have.

Diana said...

Have not read it either....your post was hilarious!

It's amazing, even when I do remember the body glide, each new long run comes up with a new body area that needs the glide!

marge said...

OMG I loved your blog post... I am laughing out loud here! I admit the books are not great literary works but I will also admit that I rather enjoyed the loose writing style and the story line (after reading all three books).

I am like Katie... I just couldn't put it down (and I too am an English major :P)

Don't judge me ... lol

Momma Marge

Tammy said...

LOL! Love this post!

Yeah you repeated "bit my lip", "murmured", "inner goddess", and "Oh My" just about as much as the book.

And, you know I hated it. It was SO bad. I've read better written Harlequin Romance novels with much better stories. (don't judge)

Kelley Fountain said...

Funny! Haven't read it yet, but am on the list at the library because I have to compare it to all I've heard.
I never thought about drinking a 5 hour energy before a long run. I picked up one at an expo and don't know when I'm supposed to use it. Do you always drink one then?

raulgonemobile said...

That's pretty funny, gotta admit.

Nice job on the 18.

lindsay said...

Haven't read it. Vaguely heard about it. Loved your version of it, regardless of what the regular book is about :)

Amy said...

Carly - i refuse to read 50 shades of dull, but i would read a whole book on your parody. nice parallel. hilarious!

Host PPH said...

But Mr Higdon will make you a better runner and it is better to have someone to help you with your training.