Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Sausage Casing

Friday night I decided to destroy any self esteem that I may have had....I went shopping for triathlon swim wear. 

The first stop was Dicks Sporting Goods.  They did not have a huge selection.  I looked at regular athletic swimwear and they had nothing that would work for me.  I tried on every suit they had in my size (6 total) and not one of them had even a shelf bra in them.  That might work for some women but I've got what doctors call "huge melons" and a bigger version of my 4 year old's swimsuit ain't gonna cut it.  Swimming with my chesticles uncontained is a hazard......just sayin'.
Next stop was Sports Authority.  Same issue, see above.  Ugh....are all swimmers flat chested?

Final stop of the night was REI.  At least there I was able to ask a sales person a thing or two about what I should really wear.  She was very knowledgeable and made some great suggestions.  Her recommendation was a pair of thinly padded shorts paired with a fitted tri tank top.  She picked out a few items that had more support for a gal like me and piled them in my arms.  I took all the items she suggested into the fitting room and I suddenly felt hopeful.
The shorts were awesome, the top was another story.  I struggled to get this thing on.  I huffed and puffed and finally got the top on.  It may have made a "schloooooooop" noise as it snapped over my flesh.  "How are you doing" the nice sales lady knocked on my door and I could not speak as my internal organs were being pushed up into my throat.  "Fine" I squeaked.  She responded that the items should fit "snug".  Little did she know that I may have dislocated my shoulder trying to shimmy into this contraption.  I would say that this tank fit the definition of "snug".  Let me just say squeezing my fat ass into full body Spanx would have been easier.
Finally it was on correctly and actually it didn't feel that bad.  I might even say it was comfortable and it even passed the "bounce" test (bounce test= jumping up and down in the fitting room to make sure boob bounce is kept to a minimum).  I was almost sold on it until I glanced in the mirror.  I looked like the damn Michelin Man sucked into sausage casing.  I was traumatized by the three-way mirror.  I peeled off the clothing,  put them on discard rack, and ran as fast I could out of that store.

I took a photo of myself in the outfit mentioned above however, I do not have the courage to post.  It will be my inspiration drop few pounds before this race.  I really wish upon registration they had a box to check that states the following:

By checking this box you acknowledge that you will be wearing swimwear in public.

Yeah....kind of forgot about that issue.

On a side note, breaking into the tri world is SPENDY.  I mentioned that I am riding my 14 year old mountain bike for this race because this is my first and maybe only triathlon.  Rather than buy a new bike, I had road tires put on and the sucker needs a tune up.  I had to shell dough for that expense.  I don't have a swim suit to train in.  That is going to be another hit to the bank account (can anyone please tell me why the hell swimwear is so expensive?),  Bike shorts, $80....are you kidding me?  I am shopping around for deals, but still!  What if I don't even like the sport?  Or even worse, what if I love it?  This is just what my family needs....another expensive sport!

Running Notes:
Saturday 2.6 miles in 30 minutes (11:32 pace)
Monday  2.25 miles in 27 minutes (11:46 pace)

My legs are still feeling heavy from the marathon but I am happy to have run at least 2 consecutive miles under 12 minutes.  I hope that I can bring my per mile pace down significantly over the next year.


bobbi said...

ugh. yet another reason I am avoiding anything 'athlon like the plague.

(pssst. you spent $65 on socks. so, $80 for shorts seems almost like a deal! haha!)

Diana said...

I laughed hysterically through this entire post....."chesticles"....I'm so gonna use that word!
I feel your pain Carly-we've met, so you know I got those same "melons" as you do.
I used a 1-piece spandex for all my tri's that I actually found at our local REI and, yes, it was tight but I found it super comfy for all 3 things. The legs which were short, covered half my thighs, had a tight band so they never moved. It was sleeveless and zipped up the front from bottom to top. All I did was throw on a tshirt and my diaper biking shorts for the rest of it.
Good luck with the shopping, but I hate to say, unless you're one of those 20 year old olympic hopefuls, it's always gonna look like the michelin man!!

Teresa DeMers said...

Running clothes are "sexy" compared to biking and swimming gear! People have been trying to get me to do a Tri as well, but not interested in swimming. I actually just started biking on a road bike this summer and am quickly becoming addicted- it's a lot of fun after your lady parts get broken in.

If you haven't already paid the $80 for your bike shorts, Pearl Izumi makes great, high quality shorts that you should be able to find on Amazon for around $40 :)

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Carolina John said...

Check out swimoutlet.com, they have a clearance section where I've actually gotten swimsuits for as little as $6. They have a huge triathlon section too. If you know the brands that will fit you best, they will have the best deals.

tri is generally pretty spendy. But once you hit that first finish line you might just get hooked. It's crazy stuff. before you know it you're dropping the $700 for an Ironman registration.

Megsie said...

I totally think they should have that box to check. Yeah. This doesn't sound like "fun" shopping. I am trying not to picture myself in your shoes...it isn't pretty, and I don't have the melons.

Jess said...

This is one of the primary reasons I don't do tris! The thought of smooshing myself into a wetsuit is akin to daydreaming about hell. No thanks.

Heather said...

Last year I rented a wetsuit for a triathlon and putting that sucker on in the fitting room was so traumatizing. The 18 year old super fit store worker had to help me zip it up and he was so awkward about how my boobs were really just too big for the damn thing . . .

Anonymous said...

I am doing my first tri in 33 days. Good luck to you! I am subscribing now.

Caroline said...

This post was hilarious! I was chuckling outloud! I'm just a year into running, a chubby girl too, and my sis wants me to do a sprint tri with her at some point. I think you just convinced me not to!

ajh said...

OKay, I just laughed out lout at your "wearing swim wear in public.: I got a pair of tri shorts for CHristmas. I must admit I haven't even put them on. I bought a tri tank and I searched long and hard (internet) to find one I liked - enough coverage - and on sale. That I have tried on. It is snug -tighter than anything else I would ever wear but I think that is the point.
I would so do an August 12 tri as that is my birthday. That would be very fun. Will it be your first tri? Oops just read that yes it is. And yes -spendy fits.

ajh said...

OH yeah, I got a swimsuit from Swim Outlet I like. Not too tight. Then I also got two TYRs at half off during a sale. It was free returns/exchange which was good because I needed two higher sizes up.

Ellen said...

Very funny - I know where you're coming from! My favorite Tri outfit is a a pair of Zoot long-inseam Tri shorts from a couple of years ago, a wicking sports bra and a Zoot tri top. Yes, the Zoot top officially has a bra built in but the sports bra adds the oomph.

I usually buy my tri stuff offseason but Sierra Trading Post often has clothing on sale all year long.


Good luck - triathlons are a lot of fu!

Al's CL Reviews said...

I got my tri shorts and the shirt I did my tri in at Swimoutlet.com, as well. Everything was made by Skirt Sports (but I wore no skirt).

I tucked the shirt into the shorts for the swim. I had a chesticles issue too and couldn't find a suit that kept the girls in the suit during practice, so I knew I wasn't wearing a suit during the real thing. It was dry by the time I got on the bike. I was too busy focused on myself to care what others thought.

5KViv swam with a running bra under her swim suit, because she couldn't figure out the chesticles issue either.

Amber said...

My first year of Tris I competed in a swim suit top with a sports bra under it. I wore spandex shorts on the bottom. I often threw a running skirt sans shorts over the spandex shorts for the bike and run. Later in the season I bought a Tri Suit at Gear West. It is a one piece and isnt overly clingy. It is made by Zoot. I train in a swimsuit by Reebok I bought at Dick's. I liked it since it had a padded/shelf bra and plenty of coverage. Welcome to the world of Tri's they are fun and addictive. Perhaps I will see you other some time we do a few tris each summer and live in MN.

Jess said...

I remember when I bought my first tri outfit I seriously felt uncomfortable. I haven't tried them yet but have you thought of the one-piece tri suites?

Tish said...

You made me laugh out loud! And then I had to try to explain to DH why I was laughing! I am not melon material, but I sympathise. I was trying to wrestle my way out of a somewhat too small sports bra after a particularly sweaty run the other day. I honestly thought I might have to either cut it off or stay in contorted pretzel shape position until DH got home from work!

Heather said...

Thanks for the laughs! Awesome post!!!

So damn true about finding supportive swim garments.

Losing Lindy said...

Ok, I can't find bras that handle my "girls", let alone a swimsuit. I bought my Speedo suits this year at Costco. They were just under $20 each. Of course these are one piece, and I have never done a tri..but do you wear it the entire race? If so, can you get a sports bra and wear it under? OR Wear a sports bra with a tech tank and your bike shorts? Again..I am clueless..it is just thoughts. And I honestly didn't find this funny like many others..I feel your pain ;)

Michelle Dragoo said...

Holy cow that does sound expensive! Thank goodness I stink at swimming, although my knees would probably thank me for it! LOL

lindsay said...

Totally hilarious. I use "chesticles" too!!! I don't know why... I certainly don't think my boobs are the same as balls. It didn't help when I put on an old running tank today and my husband said "you look like a sausage".

Host PPH said...

You have to be a little more optimistic because you have been training and it takes time to reach where you want to be.

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